I'm Not OKay
by RavenRed
Summary: Songfic! Kel reflects on His Death. She is broken and doesn't think she can go on any longer without him. Kel's POV Very Angsty R&R please!


**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, or the song, which is _I'm Not Okay_- My Chemical Romance. But the Plot is all mine!!

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_I'm Not Okay (I Promise_

_Well if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say.  
I never want to let you down or have you go, it's better off this way._

I always say okay. After the funeral, if anyone asked how I felt, that would be my answer. Okay. But I wasn't. Not really. I probably never would be again. But they wouldn't know thatI wouldn't let them know. They'd just worry. And try to save me from my depression. From my pain. From myself. But I can't be saved. My saviors gone, and he isn't coming back.

_  
For all the dirty looks, the photographs your boyfriend took,  
Remember when you broke your foot from jumping out the second floor?_

While everyone moved on after his death, I wouldn't, I couldn't. The pain constantly in my heart wouldn't let me. I would of course play the part. Fake smiles, forced conversation, just to make my friends happy, to make them not worry about me, which I know they already do. But I can't help it. I can't forget, I won't forget him. How can I forget him, when I can hardly live my life without him._  
_

_  
I'm not okay  
I'm not okay  
I'm not okay  
You wear me out_

I miss him. I know everyone does. But not like me. I miss everything about him, form his smile, to his sarcastic remarks about anything to everything. He was my best friend, lover, fiancée, soul mate, and savior. But now he's gone. And I don't know what to do. The Pain in my heart feels like a hole is in my chest, and anytime I think of him, the hole rips open again. His memory is a blessing, and a curse. But I'd give anything to hear his voice in my memory. Anything, even if it causes me pain._  
_

_  
What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems?  
(I'm not okay)  
I've told you time and time again you sing the words but don't know what it means  
(I'm not okay)_

My friends are worried for me. But they shouldn't be. I probably don't deserve it. I should have saved him, but I couldn't, I didn't. They weren't there to see the knight coming up behind him. They weren't there to see him look down in shock as if he was surprised that he couldn't fix it, just as he had fixed me. They weren't there to see him lock eyes with me, just as he fell in slow motion, as if time had stopped. But it didn't, even though I wished it did. I wished so hard that it had stopped to stop him form dieing and leaving me here alone. They weren't even there to hear his last words, on his dieing breath, as his heartbeat slowly stopped. They weren't there to see my breakdown, on the top of his chest like the world had just ended. But to me. It had.

_  
To be a joke and look, another line without a hook  
I held you close as we both shook for the last time take a good hard look!_

When the people, of New Hope, came to see the final ending of the battle. They were shocked to see the _Protector of the Small, _covered in blood, dry-sobbing on top of their Top healer, like I was insane. But I wasn't insane, just in disbelief. When they came to take the body away, I refused to part with it, until Raoul refrained me from following it, saying I could say goodbye later. But I didn't want to say goodbye. I never wanted to say goodbye, I just wanted my best friend back. I just wanted him back. I can usually handle pain, but not this one. I try, but anytime anyone mentions him, I circle my arms around my waist, to hold my self together, because without him. I am falling apart. _  
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_  
I'm not okay  
I'm not okay  
I'm not okay  
You wear me out_

When the funeral came. I was numb to the outside world. I would put up an act, and all those, except those close to me, bought it. But they thought I would get over it, get over it like I had always done. But I couldn't get over him. And I wasn't sure I wanted to._  
_

_  
Forget about the dirty looks  
The photographs your boyfriend took  
You said you read me like a book, but the pages all are torn and frayed  
_

For all the pain it made me feel I forbade myself to remember, but I was terrified of forgetting him. His smile, his laugh, or the way he always made me feel. I was in love with him, and the good thing was he knew it. But others didn't, we were going to tell them after we got to New Hope, but we never made it. We never made it. And that is the center of my pain, to know that he is gone, and with him, my heart and soul went to.

_  
I'm okay  
I'm okay!  
I'm okay, now  
(I'm okay, now)_

Eventually, I won't be able to handle it anymore. All the masks I have to put up, just not to be pitied. I don't want their pity. But I get it anyways. I just want my love back. But maybe that is too much to ask, Maybe I should go to him. But he wouldn't like that, I know he wouldn't. He'd want me to live a full life, but I can't. Not without him.

_  
But you really need to listen to me  
Because I'm telling you the truth  
I mean this, I'm okay!  
(Trust Me)_

_  
_I went to visit his grave, and it made things final, that I wouldn't see him, that he wouldn't come back, I thought it would help, but it didn't. it just made it hurt more, reading the inscription.

_Sir Nealen "Neal" of Queenscove_

_April 16, 437-September 19, 460_

_Beloved Friend and Son_

_May he watch over us all,_

_As he did, when he was here,_

_Give 'em hell Neal_

The writing was so her friends, that she was sure he would have loved it. It was just his style. As she thought about him, she expected the hole in her chest to rip again, and when she closed her eyes and waited, her chest didn't hollow. Her heart was beginning to repair.

_  
I'm not okay  
I'm not okay  
Well, I'm not okay  
I'm not o-fucking-kay  
I'm not okay  
I'm not okay  
(Okay)_

As she kneeled in front of the stone, and traced her hand over the markings, she finally started to believe them. Neal was here with her, even if she couldn't see him. And maybe. Maybe she was finally okay.

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Hey guys! how'd you like it!! tell me!!! review, Review, REVIEW!!!

-BasementPrincess


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